Wish I Could Fly

Ever been to O'Hare International Airport? What? You have? Good.

Who is that guy who's on those recorded announcements? My wife and I want to start a fan club for him. Right now, we just refer to him as "the O'Hare guy."

Why? Because this guy's voice is pure Chicago. He's got such a stereotypical regional accent that it's shocking the announcements don't end with, "Daaaaa Bearsss." You can hear the mustache. You can hear the tinted glasses. You can hear the hair of no particular style. You can hear the brat gut. And as my wife says, you can even hear the Bears parka he's obviously wearing.

So...what recorded announcements do I mean? There are three of 'em. One starts, "Attention, passengers: it is illegal for transportation companies to solicit rides at the airport, or..." Another one begins "In order to expedite..." and mentions something about magnetometers. I don't know how the third one begins, but it ends "Thank you for flying United and United Express." The announcements, as far as I can tell, play in all the domestic terminals; I don't know about the international terminal(s) though.

Here's the complete O'Hare Guy Collection:

• "For those customers connecting to a flight on the C concourse in Terminal 1..."


• "In order to expedite the security checkpoint process..."


• "It is illegal for transportation companies to solicit rides at the airport..."

O'Hare Guy, we salute you!

What's This World Comin' To?

First, Montgomery Ward goes out. Then the Mammoth Music Mart. The Berghoff closed and later reopened in a limited capacity. Marshall Field's is going to turn into the worst, filthiest department store ever (and believe me, I will be at the protest). So it only follows, of course, that a new law passes:

It is now against the law to sell foie gras in the city of Chicago.

Yup, foie gras is now a controlled substance. They've banned food, for God's sake. I guess it was to appease the animal rights people, which I can dig -- the way foie gras is, uhh...perpared...is pretty cruel.

But it does sound kind of silly. Imagine...foie gras on the black market...foie gras dealers on the streets ("Hey -- this is premium stuff! Pure! Direct from Normandy! This is goooooooood shit!")...selling foie gras over the border in Bedford Park...

Restaurants are allegedly going to offer it for free with certain entrées, as the law specifically bans the sale of foie gras. Enforcement of the law will supposedly be low-priority, too.

Ridiculous law? Probably...but the thought of eating goose liver -- or any liver, for that matter -- just doesn't appetize me.

But for crying out loud, it's bad enough that we're not allowed to protest naked in the streets of Chicago unless we're under 17 years of age and have a permit...but now we can't sell avian livers. What next?

Beginnings

I've noticed lately that my original blog has a plethora of posts that are very Chicago-centric, so I figured hey, blogs are free, why not dedicate one entirely to my adventures in Chicago?

I'll definitely be posting pictures of things I happen upon in this great city, so it's not just going to be a blog of ramblings of a maniac. All I know is that in a few weeks I'll be fulfilling a lifelong dream of living in Chicago, and I just need to document it.

Just to answer a few questions before they're even asked:

Sox or Cubs?

Oh, come on, everybody knows the answer is Cubs.

Is it anything like New York?

Well, it's a big city. That's about it. It doesn't have the pushiness, the pollution, or the urine scent that New York has.

White Hen Pantry or Walgreen's?

Walgreen's.

And of course, ways to tell that you're from Chicago or the surrounding area -- you can identify what is/was being advertised with the following lines:
- "I've got something for yoooooooooooooooou!"
- "...at York and Roosevelt Roads....where you always save more money."
- "Better carpeting for less, call NAtional 2-9000 NAtional 2-9 [sound of phone ringing] thousand!"
- "Rock-a-bye your bay-beeeeeeeeeeee! Hi, I'm _____ _________, your singing Ford dealer!" (those of you who are reading this but aren't natives of Chicagoland -- I am not making this up!)
- "We're a part of Chicago, Chicago's channel _."

I'll end this post by saying best of luck to those victims of last summer's countrywide takeover of oldies stations by a certain corporate name that's a slang term for masturbation. You guys deserve so much better. It's bad enough that they stuck you in cyberspace for a year, but then they had to flat-out fire you.